The following is a letter Renee wrote and mailed to her assailant:
"I want to thank you so much for our Friday evening together after the concert, as you taught me a valuable life lesson about a pariah, a lesson I had never had to learn before you. You verified my father’s warning that some men are wolves in sheep’s clothing. I take my strict fidelity as a person very seriously, and explicitly expressed that to you. For the first time in my life, I was date raped…. by a former high school classmate, by you. To sustain your own warped conscience, call it what you want, you TOOK from me something I consider precious. My entire existence as a woman, I have never been taken advantage of by a man, under any circumstance. You should come with a warning label, cloaking yourself in fake Christianity, holding my hand and praying before dinner, bemoaning your fake desire to know me as a fellow human being. When we woke together on Saturday, I was shocked that you were in my bed, I had no idea that you had forced yourself on me. It wasn’t until I went to the bathroom after you left and realized I was cut and bleeding. Then I searched my memory bank, desperate to understand how someone could have done what you did. I could remember nothing but an aggressive kiss. After much tortuous thought, I believe I now remember how you were behind me, and in one action, you penetrated me. I had no ability to fight you, and I went limp in order to mentally deal with what was happening to me. Note that I never had any interest in you besides reconnecting as a former high school classmate, whom I thought had best intentions regarding me, wanting to connect with me as a person. I had no attraction to you. In our limited time together, it was clear you are not a man of contemplative thought. Makes sense to me now, given who you really are, when no one is looking. Your mind is twisted, and your morality is nonexistent. You are not attractive or interesting. You are a vile, despicable pervert. Droning on about your deceased wife and how much money you spent on her, like that was your moral badge, speaking of Christianity as if it applied to how you live. I never knew your wife, but I feel deeply saddened that she was married to man who could commit such an egregious act. You stain her memory with your vileness. You stain your children, you stain your self professed Christianity. How many victims have you accumulated over your lifetime? Before your warped mind attempts to rewrite history, remember that your God sees all. You are a shame to manhood. Judge a man by his deeds, not his words. I will share my experience with those who, like me, were naive about all men. I have been blessed to have quality men in my life, and I have talked about this experience with one closest to me. You are a weak, vacuous, warped, unattractive middle aged man. I cannot imagine what it is like to live inside a mind that is so bent toward destruction for your base sexual urges. If I see you in public, I look forward to reminding you with only my bold and strong presence, of your well crafted deviance . If anyone asks of my opinion of you, I will recount the same. I pray that no-one you love ever experiences what I did at your hands. If you try to contact me, you will be extraordinarily sorry. Those who know and respect you, they do not know the barbaric J. Pariah. We all will answer for how we have lived our lives, and God will clearly judge you. The best reward for your actions will be facing my beloved father. Don’t worry, coward, that won’t happen because my father is on the side of light, not the darkness you will inhabit."
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"I was wearing the same outfit I would always wear when I was hanging out with friends. After my assault, I was too afraid to speak up and it crushed me. I blamed myself. I wish I had had someone to tell me that it is NEVER the victims fault."
"I am 20 and I wore this outfit 3 years ago when I was sexually attacked. He was my boyfriend at the time but I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity yet, but since he was stronger than me he was able to pick me up and force himself on me. We hadn’t even dated for a week, yet after that night I knew what his only intentions were. I cried telling him to stop and that it hurts but he took the scrunchy off my wrist and told me to “shut up and bite down on this”. After that night, I cried for 2 weeks straight and didn’t go to school for those 2 weeks cause I didn’t wanna see him. I broke up with him right after that night and he became obsessive and refused to be broken up with. This was one hell of a relationship but I’m better now and I’ve moved on from it and he is long gone in my past."
The following is a letter OLM wrote to her assailant.
"To Whom this May Concern, And by “Whom” I mean you. The “good guy” just making sure I got a ride home. Did you know I’ve had to justify that I didn’t want you to do what you did? I’ve had to justify the pain that you’ve caused me. I’ve had to explain that my body language wasn’t direct enough. I’ve had to apologize to your girlfriend because “I put myself in that situation” I bled and I hurt. For days. But I didn’t go to the doctor because it wasn’t rape right? I let it happen and I was drunk anyway. I didn’t force a 200-pound man off of me after I said, “No, we shouldn’t do this” I had to come up with a lie when people asked how I got a bruise that covered my entire calf. The hickeys you left; they weren’t a consequence of lust. You know they were there because I wouldn’t let you kiss me, and even then, you still wouldn’t. stop. And finally, after you had enough of what you probably thought was me being a “tease”, you stormed out of my house and slammed the front door. Why’d you do that? Was it because you didn’t get your way? Was it because me curling my knees to my chest wasn’t sexy enough for you? Funny this pissed you off when the next day you said, “What are you talking about, I was being a good guy, I thought it was consensual?” If it was consensual why did you leave my house the way you did? “Let’s never talk about this again.” Yes, let’s never talk about how a month later, I started to have nerve pain where you forced your fingers inside of me. Did you know that’s what you did? Did you know it put strain in a romantic relationship of mine? But I still didn’t realize it was rape. Because I let it happen. You thought it was consensual because I didn’t say “No” directly enough. It was February of this year when I couldn’t focus, when I had to leave the library at times because I felt like I was going to suffocate, because all I could do was think about what I could’ve done different. And why, if what happened wasn’t rape, was I still in so much pain? Well, good guy. It was. It was rape. I loved you so much as a friend. I trusted you and that was why I called you to get me an uber home. But you, a person I cared so much about, are the reason my worst fear, the fear I used to have reoccurring dreams about, came true. Do not ever use the excuse of you being male, and drunk as your reasoning for this. There are many women who could’ve been raped in a situation like that but weren’t because the guy they were with... wasn’t a rapist. You are the reason my worst fear came true and it took me four months to find out. Thanks for that, OLM" "I was hanging out with my friend/classmate at his apartment with a group of his friends. A guy poured me a drink- I had two drinks and started feeling terrible. He pretended to take care of me until our friends left. I fell asleep at his apartment and he raped me, even after I told him I didn't want to do anything with him. I reported it on campus through Title IX and he was almost held responsible, but after two botched hearings and an appeal nothing happened. He is now a student at a prestigious vet school."
"I was 16 he was 32. He was the uncle of one of my friends from youth group I was naive and for some reason I thought I trusted him and he made me believe he was my friend. I got fired from my first job and I was upset so I called him to come and pick me up. When he did he brought alcohol for me to drink. I was crying so hard and so upset that I didn't pay attention to where he was going but he took me somewhere way out into the woods and he had a gun with him. He never threatened to hurt me but he was a very unstable man and he kept threatening to hurt him self and kept putting the gun to his head. At some point in all this he started to rape me. I didn't fight, I didn't scream I just felt frozen, like my whole body was numb and I couldn't move. When it was over and I started to sober up I realized how late it was and that my phone was dead. My mom was supposed to pick me up from work 3 hours ago. He was still there and he was still threatening to hurt himself but I told him I had to go or both of us were going to get in a lot of trouble. So I left him. I was barefoot and walking on a dirt path in the woods in the middle on no where as I walked away from him I can remember him screaming my name fading as I walked further and further away. I was able to find someone to give me a ride to the police station where my mom and dad where waiting on me. As soon as I arrived I tried to tell my mom what happened but the police officer told me to shut up that I didn't have the right to speak for myself and I was too young to even think for myself. So when I was interrogated by the police I lied. I told them I got fired, hitched a wide out to the middle of now where and got drunk. And the saddest part is I never told my parents the truth until 5 years later when it was too late to do anything. It's definitely not your normal story but I think it shows just how much manipulation can play a huge role in rape especially when the perpetrator takes advantage of someone young and vulnerable like I was."
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About the stories:All of these stories are in our clothesline survivors' own words and were posted with their consent. Some survivors chose not to include a story with their submission. Please keep this space a place of healing, safety, and positivity.
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